A Saving Grace

Two years ago, aged 40, Grace felt she had come to a crossroads in her life. She had a successful career, was studying for a degree with a new profession in mind and was very settled in her home. But she still felt something was missing.

Financially, Grace knew she was in a position to buy her council house but felt ambivalent about what this would give her. "I would buy a house, it would be there and I would die and leave it, and so what?" She had not yet found a life partner, but she knew she wanted to have a child. "I was a single woman and I was getting older, but I did not have any fertility problems. However, I made a conscious decision not to have a child for the sake of it. If I was to have a child with a man, I wanted to be with that man permanently, and I realised that wasn't happening. I wasn't meeting the man for me, but I realised that I really wanted to raise a child. If a husband came along a while later or whatever, that would be okay - I'm still open to offers! So I decided to go for adoption. If I adopted a child, I would be doing something for that child for a very long time, for society and for other generations to come."

As a single woman, her hopes were not high. "To be honest, I did not expect to be considered, being a single person. I was in the second year of my degree when I called my local authority and had an informal chat. Even if I was accepted, I still had old-fashioned ideas about how long it would take. I had assumed that it would take a really long time. "They were really helpful, and being single was not an issue at all. They advised me to finish my degree, since there would probably be lots of changes with a new job, and this would not be a good time to take on a child, because it would mean more changes. "They told me to call them again when I had finished my studies and was working in my new career. They assured me that adoption was now much quicker than I had fi rst thought."

Grace finished her degree and started a new job. When she contacted her authority again, almost a year later, they warmly welcomed her application, and she began to be assessed as a prospective adoptive parent. This started with a Preparation Course, followed by a series of visits to her home. Preparation Courses allow you to meet other people who are thinking about adoption, who often become a network of mutual friendship and support. It also allows you to explore the reasons children come into care and how that might impact on a child, as well as to meet people who have adopted already and people who have been adopted themselves." From doing the course and reading some literature, which you are encouraged to do before you adopt, I realised that I had to think about some of the problems that might arise.

"It took six months of regular home visits, and when I started I was nervous. But as the process went on, I felt more and more able to express my feelings." Some people are wary about people coming into their home and their personal space asking a lot of seemingly very personal questions. "I am quite a sociable person, so a social worker visiting me was not a problem. I was asked a lot of questions. For instance, I was asked how I felt about discipline and how my parents had disciplined me. I was expecting questions, but I was not expecting questions about how I felt about things.

"Coming from a traditional, old-fashioned West Indian family, we were smacked, we were shouted at quite a lot as well, and we were expected to be obedient and not really question things. When I was asked about how I felt about it, I realised I had never analysed it - it was just the way it was. When I thought about it, I realised my mum and dad could have done some things differently, but I appreciated that they did the best they knew to do at the time. Later, when I was really thinking about having all these things brought up and having to think about my childhood - and some difficult things about my childhood - I saw how it would impact on how I would bring up a child. I realised it was important and the significance of it. There are some parts of the assessment that are difficult and maybe even a little bit uncomfortable, but if you are thinking about the welfare of a child, you have to appreciate that the agency looking after the child has to ask you questions because they don't know you.

"What did surprise me was that the social worker who assessed me was a 50-year-old white woman. When she arrived, I was very surprised because I think I expected her to be younger and I actually expected her to be black - it was just an assumption I'd made. She arrived, and suddenly I felt a little bit uncomfortable because I thought, 'I don't think I am going to relate to this person. She is not going to understand. When I tell her my mum hit me, she'll think I was abused or something and make a lot of assumptions.' And I have to say that it took two or three visits for me to feel comfortable, but although she did look diff erent from what I expected and she didn't speak how I expected her to, she really did understand me."

After the assessment, a report is collated from the home visits and this is presented to an adoption panel to recommend your approval as an adoptive parent. Applicants are also encouraged to attend panel to speak for themselves. "It was when the social worker went to panel that I realised how much she understood me. They attend panel to act as an advocate for your application. One of the things the panel questioned quite a lot was my deep religious conviction. Was I too extreme? A bit 'into' religion? 'Do you think that will affect the way she brings up the child?', they wondered. My social worker understood where I was coming from, so she stated my case. She said that although my religion was very important to me, I wasn't at all closedminded. I am very religious, but I am openminded enough to know that young children have to be brought up in an environment that allows them to ask questions and make their own decisions when they are old enough to do so. You have to be able to understand their feelings and talk things through with them.

"Once I was approved, I waited for a good match for me. At fi rst I was saying I'd take any child, but since I was always encouraged to express my true feelings, I said I wanted a little girl." I realised that, even in adopting a baby, I could encounter some problems with attachment, so I was expecting a period of time where it would be quite diffi cult for my baby to attach to me and we would have to take it slowly and work on it. She had about three nights where she didn't sleep very well, which I expected, but it turned out she just had a cold, and that was the problem, rather than being in a strange place with a strange person!

"She hasn't had too much diffi culty with attachment and we bonded quickly, but I still think it could happen at a later stage. But what I say to myself is this: if I had given birth to a child, the child could still have had issues. They may not have been what are known as 'attachment' issues, but she could still have been a child who cried a lot, a baby who didn't settle quickly, a baby who didn't take to things too easily. So, the same way you can have issues with a birth baby, you can also have issues with an adopted baby, and I think the thing is to take one day at a time. Also, what I always keep in mind is this: if you adopt a child, you are doing something really special, because there are many children in real need." Adoption support services are available to anyone wishing to adopt. Once you have been approved to adopt, you can be assessed based on your own circumstances and the needs of your child. This may include fi nancial support, such as a one-off payment, an ongoing allowance or a settling-in grant. There is also access to adoption advice, counselling and information services, as well as training, workshops and support groups.

"How has it been forming a maternal bond with my little girl? Easy, in a word, but I do appreciate that I have been fortunate. She has been a real joy, and I feel very, very blessed."

This article first appeared in Pride magazine. Keep the Faith - Editorial.1-2 1-2 4/10/06 15:52:57. Reproduced by kind permission,

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